This is so flattering for me! Big thanks to President Obama and the New York TImes! Here’s an excerpt from the actual, really real article published today:
"Look," President Obama said, "these are the facts: within days of Ryan Jones leaving the country to work in the Horn of Africa, our nation has been besieged with misfortune. I can’t overlook such an obvious connection." It is undisputed that after Mr. Jones departed for Kenya, the DOW fell hundreds of points, and in the proceeding weeks an earthquake shook the east coast, Steve Jobs stepped down as Apple’s CEO, and now an apocalyptic hurricane is about to make landfall.
The President met with top advisors yesterday to create an incentive package to entice Mr. Jones’s early return. Though details of what is being offered are unclear, deliveries of certain items to the White House have been noted: large quantities of sour cream and onion baked Lays, chocolate Teddy Grahams, a deed to the Woodford Reserve distillery, Natalie Portman, and an eternal life potion for Mr. Jones’s dog Archie.
President Obama understands why Mr. Jones would want to finish his work in Dadaab, the largest refugee camp in the world, but made a final plea for the expat to return home. ”I get it, okay? I know there’s a crisis over there, what with the famine in Somalia and all, but seriously, bro, we’ve got crises of our own back here at home.” The President took a drag from a cigarette he’d been hiding underneath his desk, then, realizing his mistake, quickly hid it again and tried to pass it off as incense. ”Just come back, Ryan,” President Obama said, “I think it’s rad that you’re out there in the country of my birth…er…can we scratch that and try again?” [Editor’s note: there wasn’t enough space to print all of President Obama’s second take, but here’s the last sentence of his statement] "It’s called patriotism, dude!"