December 2010
34 posts
2 tags
Dec 31st
4 notes
2 tags
Dec 31st
1 note
3 tags
Last Year's Resolutions
I wrote these resolutions for myself this time last year.  I accomplished all of them, save the last one. 1. Invent a new animal. 2. Become mentally handicapped by hitting self on head with anvil, falling on a pile of bricks, and/or injecting estrogen directly into brainstem. 3. Overcome mental retardation. 4. Become physically handicapped by getting sprayed by a dilophosaurus, misplacing legs...
Dec 31st
4 tags
WatchWatch
One Last Original Video for 2010: TLC’s New Show, ‘My Strange Addiction,’ Parodied If you thought Four Loko was the worst of my problems, wait until you see what I’ve gotten myself into this time.  If you’re not familiar with TLC’s new series, check outsome videos here.  What’s my strange addiction?  Watch and find out! Two notes:  1.) Yes, this is...
Dec 28th
6 notes
Dec 27th
8 notes
2 tags
Dec 26th
3 tags
Dec 25th
55 notes
5 tags
Dec 25th
3 tags
Dec 25th
3 tags
Dec 24th
2 notes
4 tags
Last night a girl I know killed Aaron Carter...on...
When I met up with her, she had already done the deed.  This friend of mine has a large following on Twitter, and she was bored, so the obvious thing to do was to try to wipe out the baby brother of a Backstreet Boy. It took less than 140 characters to do him in: Aaron Carter- I can’t believe you’re gone. I will miss my friend. RIP. And later: RIP Aaron Carter… God has a...
Dec 24th
34 notes
“When you’re a little kid, you’re a little bit of everything. Artist, scientist,...”
– The Wonder Years - Goodmorning & Goodnight (via brooklynmutt) Have I ever told you that I love The Wonder Years? Just like Kevin, I had my own Paul Pfeifer and, of course, my very own Winnie Cooper. I own some bootleg DVD collection of every episode, and I never tire of it. One thing I’m...
Dec 22nd
59 notes
2 tags
“Garrett, don’t ever get married, ‘cause, when you sync your iPhones...”
– Sage wisdom from my mom to my little brother
Dec 21st
2 tags
Dec 21st
4 tags
Dec 19th
2 notes
3 tags
Dinner and Death Threats
I arrived last night in my hometown (Wichita, KS) and final destination for this little road trip. My friend Lexi cooked me dinner. The baked ziti was delicious. The wine flowed. And then we had to call the police because a high school friend of ours who we rarely see or talk to randomly called Lexi and threatened to come over and kill her. I love being home. (I’m not being sarcastic either....
Dec 17th
3 notes
5 tags
Dec 16th
6 notes
3 tags
Dec 14th
3 tags
Dec 14th
8 notes
3 tags
Dec 13th
10 notes
3 tags
Dec 12th
4 notes
3 tags
Dec 11th
5 tags
WatchWatch
Newsweekers Drink Moonshine We all know that Newsweek is going through hard times, but how does the staff get by?  We do a story about moonshine, of course! We organized a taste-testing of “legal moonshines,” which, though oxymoronic, is the latest trend in hipster drinking.  This is why journalism and alcoholism both end the same way.
Dec 10th
82 notes
3 tags
Dec 9th
3 tags
"What I do have are a very particular set of...
If one of you here on Tumblr is the burglar that broke into my friend Sarah Frank’s apartment last night and stole her laptop, you just made the biggest mistake of your life.  Yeah, the NYPD is on the case, but I’ve also started my own investigation, and I’m prepared to go all Liam Neeson on your ass.  In this scenario, the laptop is my daughter and you’re the sex slave...
Dec 9th
3 tags
Dec 8th
Dec 8th
3 notes
4 tags
Dec 7th
50 notes
4 tags
Dec 7th
3 tags
Dec 5th
6 notes
4 tags
Dec 5th
3 tags
How to Kill Yourself with Caffeine
As a recovering Cherry Coke addict, this really speaks to me. Forensic Science International reports that caffeine is fatal in humans in excess of 5 grams.  Below is a rundown of what that means in product consumption.  If I were to do myself in by way of caffeine, I’d eat 2,500 Hershey’s Kisses washed down with 22.5 gallons of chocolate milk.  That would be a delicious death. 24...
Dec 3rd
7 notes
3 tags
WatchWatch
NEWSWEEK DUNK CONTEST 2010 I drew a line in the carpet and said, “I can dunk from here.”  My coworkers said it couldn’t be done.  The mark was 8 feet away from a 6 ft. tall hoop.  The video, which shows two attempts from 2 angles, says it all. Also, Newsweek editor Brett Begun and interim editor-in-chief Dan Klaidman made the same attempt and came up short.  In their defense,...
Dec 2nd
1 tag
Dec 1st
41 notes